Biden announces magic beans stimulus package


President Biden’s $2000 stimulus package came under scrutiny today as it was revealed that the promised financial aid would come in the form of a $600 check which was previously issued by the Trump administration, topped up with $1600 worth of magic beans.

The President was belligerent as he defended the relief bill in front of the press: “Now listen here Jack. Beans. That’s the deal. I’m giving out more beans than any President has ever done before.

The American people don’t want handouts. These are honest people. Working people. People who want the chance to pull themselves up by their boot stalks and bean straps man. We’re not gonna give them a $1600 check and say ‘Go buy some off cuts from the butchers! Go buy a big sack of potatoes and feed your family. We’re saying ‘Go up there and grab yourself a radish the size of a Cadillac! Or a big golden goose!’ We’re talking about the American Dream here man!”

Many see this as an underhanded move by Biden. During a pandemic which has seen record numbers of unemployment, with thousands out of work and without healthcare, the need for financial relief is more pressing than ever and no amount of magic beans can be a substitute. Biden was accused of misleading the electorate, as when he pledged “$2000 in the hands of every American the day after we win the Georgia Senate runoff” it was not unreasonable to assume he meant US dollars.

“When presented with this line of questioning however, the President insisted that “any flim-flam man peddling that kind of fimble famble should meet [him] outside for fisticuffs/to settle it the fighting Irish way.”

Meanwhile, the Biden Bean Bill faces criticism from within the Democratic party, with some considering it too liberal. Secretary for the Department of Beans, Robby Mook has proposed an alternative beans tested programme which will see the beans distributed on the basis of income, with applicants submitting their last sixteen year’s tax returns to ensure only the least fortunate Americans receive the full complement of beans.

The plan has also been attacked by foreign policy experts who fear it could escalate tensions with the giants, which had cooled after four years of Trump’s non-interventionalist “Regular Sized Americans First” approach. However the President has vowed to “knock the block off any Brobdingnagian son of a gun who takes issue with hard working Americans trying to put food on the table.”

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