Biden accidentally sends checks to Syrians and bombs to Americans

Jim Watson/AFP via Getty Images

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Under pressure to deliver the promised $1400 stimulus checks and facing criticism for the bombing of Syria, a beleaguered President Biden has accidentally sent a wave of checks to every adult in Aleppo while dropping bombs on a number of small Michigan towns.

“Come on man! Gimme a break! I’ve sent out twice as many checks and dropped twice as many bombs as the last guy! You can’t expect them all to end up in the right place!” beseeched Biden before storming off, leaving Vice President Harris to continue the briefing, who denied that there had been any error at all.

“What President Biden means is that while we did promise $1400 checks for every citizen, we never specified American citizens. In sending them to Syria, we are continuing our commitment to foreign aid and re-announcing America on the world stage, rebuilding the relationships that were damaged by President Trump.

As for the attacks launched on American soil, we have received intelligence that Hezbollah insurgents in the Michigan area were planning attacks on a number of strategic locations so we took strong and decisive action to eliminate the threat, at a small collateral cost to a Walmart in Ann Arbour, a Taco Bell in Detroit, and a retirement home in Petoskey.”

The decision led to a massive surge in Biden’s Syrian approval ratings, a change which was soon reversed by a wave of bombings the following day. Meanwhile Biden’s U.S. approval ratings remain steady largely thanks to his radical healthcare plan: I’m Sorry About That Man Care. The plan will entitle any American citizen injured by a U.S. bomb on U.S. soil, earning under $12,000 a year, to up to 17% off their hospital bills, issued in the form of a tax rebate.

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