Bezos cancels voyage after discovering space tax rate

Reuters

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Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has cancelled his trip to space after discovering the 100% tax rate he would be forced to pay upon leaving Earth’s atmosphere. The billionaire had planned to relocate Amazon’s corporate headquarters to near-Earth orbit which, along with declaring himself an official resident of outer space, would allow Bezos to dodge the proposed global tax rate.

However, Bezos has cancelled next month’s preliminary scouting trip after discovering the punitive levies which would be immediately imposed upon him by the recently discovered Marxist martians. 

Speaking at a press conference Bezos announced “Regretfully we will be cancelling the maiden voyage of New Shepard and shelving the Blue Origin project in its entirety. Recent discoveries have made the program untenable and consequently we’ll be focusing our resources on more earthbound ventures.”

While Bezos denied that the Space Force’s recent discovery of Mars’ communist residents had any bearing on the decision, he did take aim at what he perceived as a regressive, anti-business policy from the extraterrestrials. “It’s their planet and they can do whatever they want with it but it’s just very immature if you ask me. There was a real possibility that we could have opened an Amazon depot on Mars but I guess those little red freaks are more interested in sitting around, surrounded by a bunch of rocks than they are getting a new exercise bike or a Baby Yoda cookie jar delivered in less than 48 hours. I know they might be a society that is technologically advanced beyond our comprehension but I really don’t see how they’re going to progress if they have such a hostile attitude towards capitalism and the opportunities it offers.” 

Ka’Rl Ma’Rx, Mars’ representative from the Intergalactic Trade Federation said “This is great news. Space is no place for the exploitative capitalism of Jeff Bezos and Amazon. While the 100% tax rate may seem extreme, it sends a vital message to Earthlings that they will not be allowed to plunder space as they have ransacked their own planet. Now, the next item on the agenda is learning enough human biology to work out which orifice to cram a dogecoin into Elon Musk if he tries putting one on our planet.”

Bezos meanwhile, is believed to be in talks with the subterranean mole people, to discuss whether the Earth’s molten core may prove a more hospitable tax haven.

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