Belizean government: “It was us! We Epsteined him!… Yes, we ARE a country.”

Gage Skidmore


Controversial entrepreneur John McAfee passed away yesterday while being held in a Spanish jail cell. While early indications are that he tragically committed suicide, incredibly, the goverment of Belize have come out publicly claiming “We did it! We Epsteined him!”

This extraordinary admission of culpability has shocked the world who, for the most part, had mistaken Belize for some kind of rum cocktail. Even now, some sceptics believe that Belize must be a pseudonym for a powerful society of international pedophiles. Sort of like Hollywood. 

In fact, though, Belize is a small country bordering Mexico and Guatemala in Central America. 

In 2012, Belizean authorities sought McAfee in connection with the murder of an American expat. McAfee avoided capture and made his way to Guatemala where he was ultimately deported to the United States, ferried away from the clutches of the Belizean state.

Nine years later, it seems that the small Central American state finally succeeded in taking him down. The official statement released by the government was triumphant and proud, with overtones of a Napoleon complex.

“We did it! We Epsteined him! None of you ever saw this coming but we got to him where no one thought possible. Never again shall he make a fool of Belize or our justice system, and neither should you. Our operatives are everywhere, all the time, doing everything, knowing everyone, always, even right now. They may be your janitor, your best friend, your neighbor’s small dog, the deaf chef at your local Kebab shop, that lady Flo from the Progessive ads. Anyone could be a Belizean agent, we’re that good. Seriously.”

The verb, “to Epstein,” means to neutralize a threat from within the confines of a prison cell in such a manner that it seems like suicide. It was coined after the disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein was bumped off by…someone…in a New York City jail in August 2019. 

Rarely are such high profile assassinations claimed, especially by a state at peace, but clearly the Belizean government had a bone to pick with McAfee and they made it very clear what that was. 

“Besides making a fool of our police force, the main issue his time was up was because of that piece of sh*t program McAfee Antivirus. That thing was so useless it literally ended up giving us viruses. I can’t think of a single error more grave than when we decided to install it in all our government computers in the 90’s. We lost hundreds of millions of dollars to ransomware attacks all because of his stupid program. We are literally still a third world country because of John McAfee”

McAfee Antivirus was the first commercially available Antivirus software and so its named remains hallowed in computer security world, but in recent times it became increasingly regarded as bloatware and “oh no not that stupid McAfee, how do I uninstall it?” and “God, who uses that sh*t?!” So bad had it become by the end, that after he left the company McAfee himself campaigned for people to stop using the program. 

While McAfee regularly courted controversy his apparent murder has prompted millions around the world to take part in a digital vigil in which they will uninstall the product which once made him famous.

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