Bad start for unborn Californian child, haunted by ghosts of forest animals

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BAD START FOR UNBORN CALIFORNIAN CHILD, HAUNTED BY GHOSTS OF FOREST ANIMALS

An unknown Californian child will begin their life being haunted by the ghosts of thousands of forest animals after a gender reveal party gone awry triggered devastating fires across the state. The child, of unknown gender, has yet to be born but will have to answer to the spirits of hundreds of thousands of aggrieved squirrels, coyotes, bears, birds, frogs, lizards and mice who lost their lives in the fires which consumed 3.2 million acres of forestland. 

The inferno began in El Dorado Ranch Park in San Bernadino County, triggered by a pyrotechnic device designed to emit blue or pink smoke, before sweeping across the rest of the state. This is not the first incident of this kind, however the scale of the blaze is unprecedented. Park goers have reported seeing a gigantic congregation of impatient, spectral animals pacing around the park, waiting for the child to be born in what is believed to be one of the largest animal hauntings in American history.

It might not seem fair that the animals would target an innocent, unborn child as opposed to the parents who are actually responsible however a local medium was able to offer some insight into the matter, “Spirits don’t tend to be wholly logical at the best of time and of course animal spectres are far from the most sophisticated. So alas, while it’s not really fair, the spirits will be haunting the child rather than the parents. You try explaining the concept of pyrotechnics to a family of distressed raccoons! It’s a challenge I can tell you!

Similarly, it’s going to be difficult for this child to follow the tried and tested path of helping the spirits put any unresolved business to bed so they can move on to the afterlife.  Frogs aren’t really known for their business are they? No, I reckon this poor kid is going to be stuck with these spirits for a very long time. ”The parents of the child, who wished to remain unnamed, were upbeat about the news: “This is the best possible gift we could possibly give our child, Jamie. I mean some parents give their children a pet but really we’re giving ours one hundred thousand pets!”

 “Yeah! A million literal spirit animals! How many kids can claim that?”

The parents seem very optimistic about the prospect of their child beginning their life with a supernatural entourage hellbent on justice. “Of course we’re going to have Jamie living in a different house from us. Animals wailing in pain 24/7? That’s going to get distracting after a while. I work mornings so I can’t be expected to stay up all night with that.”

The couple are also making plans for their next child: “Well this is international news so it’s going to be hard to top this for our next gender reveal. Maybe some kind of oil tanker spill…”

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