Aspiring punk band name themselves SARS-CoV-2 to sound edgy; lawsuit follows when they discover they weren’t the first

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A garage band who recently named themselves SARS-CoV-2 have found themselves on the end of a prospective lawsuit just days after releasing their first EP – Bat Soup. The Albany, New York, based punk outfit, who also spent time as “Boner Simpson,” “Republican Governors,” and “I Like It When You Stroke Your Pubes,” were issued a cease and desist letter from the attorneys of another band already named SARS-CoV-2. The band who are now temporarily reverting back to their original name, “Waterparks Are Dangerous,” were dismayed to receive the notice and are now seeking help from their bassist’s Dad’s friend who is a solicitor.

Speaking to this publication, the lead singer and songwriter, Almanac Davis Jr., expressed his disappointment that another band had already claimed this sought after title. “You know, I really thought that we would be the first. Like, who else is naming themselves after a deadly virus? Especially right now? It’s too soon.

I mean not for us, obviously, since we’re a punk band. But you know what I mean,” he added.

About their inspiration for naming themselves after a global pandemic, Davis Jr. explained that it hit them after an emergency band meeting. “Louis, our guitarist, called us together because he felt like we really needed to change our name. We were ILIWYSYP at the time and he basically told us that he didn’t feel comfortable with the name. Apparently he prefers women who are shaved and he thinks that pubic hair is dirty. We told him that’s the whole point – we are a punk band – but he threatened to leave the band if we didn’t change it. 

I think it was this girl he’s seeing who wanted him to change it. He tells us that they are dating but we’re pretty sure they’re just making out – so it’s pretty dumb. Anyway he is the best guitarist we’ve had since Otto ‘The Emperor’ left us to join a nudist colony so we had to do a quick brainstorm session.

Black Death are one of our musical icons and so Jason, our drummer, recommended SARS-CoV-2. It was perfect! Unique, topical, and edgy as a motherf*cker. It’s incomprehensible that anyone else will have thought of that,” he exclaimed.

Elsewhere, the band properly known as SARS-CoV-2 were similarly shocked when they discovered another band with the same name. “We couldn’t believe it. It seemed totally implausible that someone could have created this same unique name which we designed. We figured it had to be plagiarism. So we contacted our lawyers and issued a cease and desist letter.” This Sars-CoV-2, it turns out, are an experimental Jazz Trio from Minneapolis. Which explains why their name actually has nothing to do with the global pandemic.

“Our name comes from these three components,” explains frontman Anquan Jackson. “SARS – the sound the cello makes when you play it like we do; CoV – that’s what we call Colin Victor, our drummer; and well, there’s three of us now but we started as a twosome, so – 2. Sars-CoV-2.”

Even now it seems that this prolific, if not reclusive, Jazz group doesn’t realize that their moniker stands for the deadly virus which ravages the earth’s population in 2020. When confronted with this Mr. Jackson denied the idea, “I dunno man. People are talking about viruses and stuff. Sounds like a hoax to me,” he said, settling down at his instrument. “The only real virus is fear and oppression of our sacred music,” he concluded before he started playing his Cello with a rolling pin. 

Confusions of this kind aren’t uncommon as many aspiring bands base their artistic nom de plume on highly topical events and phenomena. In addition to celebrated bands such as The Decembrists, The B-52’s, and Franz Ferdinand, this year has given rise to Covid-related names such as Novel Coronavirus, The Covid-19 Brass Ensemble, and Corona, Corona! Virus, Virus! 

For now, the band very temporarily known as SARS-CoV-2 have already got a rebrand in the works. While they have yet to make a public announcement they have confided to us that they have settled on a new name, eschewing the topicality of their last attempt. Shortly, this band of punk thrashers should be found in stores and online as: Social Media Is Cancer.

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