As Trump refuses to concede election, courts may determine America’s future

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Despite the media unanimously calling the 2020 U.S. Presidential election for Joe Biden, the incumbent, Donald Trump, is refusing to concede, promising he “will fight tooth and nail to keep custody of [his] country” and vowing to take the case to the highest court in the land if necessary. 

Trump is launching legal action in a number of swing states, hoping to overturn Biden’s 74 electoral vote lead.

“This has been the least legitimate election ever. What a nasty guy trying to take my country away from me. But we’re going to fight it. We’re going to fight very strongly and we have a number of avenues which we’re looking at very strongly. 

And you know, for me, it’s not new. It’s not new to be going to court. I went to court with Marla, I went to court with Ivana and to be honest, I’ll probably be going to court with Melania very soon. 

It’s something I enjoy and I get very good deals. With Ivana, I wanted custody of Ivanka and unfortunately I had to take Donald Jr to get that but we’re going to win this custody and we’re going to win big time folks! We’re very confident of a great result for the country,” proclaimed Trump at a press conference, demanding recounts in Pennsylvania, Georgia, Arizona, Michigan and California. 

Surprisingly Biden appeared to extend an olive branch: “I’ve always said that we need to heal this fractured nation and we’re not going to do that through looking backwards but by looking forwards. Whatever we do, fifty percent of people are going to be unhappy and where I come from that’s the sign of a good compromise. So here’s the deal: we split custody of the White House. Trump is President from Monday to Thursday and I’m President on weekends. Lord knows his priorities are on the range! I’m sorry man, I shouldn’t talk like that in front of the kids.”

Trump appeared to knock down this offer in a tweet: “SLEEPY JOE too tired to be president full time! NO THANKS JOE! DADDY IS COMING AMERICA!”

As the country readies itself for the possibility of two Christmases, Trump’s legal counsel, Alan Dershowitz, presents an alternate solution: “I find this notion of America as a child to be faintly preposterous. America is 244 years old, so for the past 231 years the country can legally be considered an adult. We should be able to make our own decisions and consent to our own choices. That’s what an election is: choice. So this idea of a custody battle holds no water to me.

Instead I’d like to point you to the tale of King Solomon and the solution therein. I propose that we cut the country in two and let Joe Biden preside over half and Donald Trump take the other half. We could do this by red states, blue states, East, West or even North, South. I really believe this is the only civil end we can have to the war currently dividing this country.”

In defiance of this advice however, Trump has taken out a number of ads across prime time TV and social media where he rebrands himself as “America’s Dad” and announces a new platform of “reversing crooked bed time legislation” and “McDonalds For All”. Biden meanwhile has rewritten his plan for student debt forgiveness plan, allowing for a percentage of loans to be written off in the form of a pony/race car and promising that no matter what decision the courts make, both he and Trump love the country very much and will be seeing it all the time.

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