Anonymous man with eyepatch takes over Amazon after Bezos steps down

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The world’s richest man, Jeff Bezos, has officially stepped down from his position as the CEO of Amazon today and is being replaced by his longtime sidekick – an intelligent looking man with an eyepatch and no name. Recognized company-wide as Number 2, the new CEO comes with a reputation for having successfully kept Bezos onside with the law as the pair made billions of dollars in legitimate money. With Bezos gone, it seems that the future should continue to bode well for Amazon as they free themselves from some of his more eccentric ideas, such as drone delivery and training sharks with “freakin’ laser beams attached to their freakin heads,” and double down on their lawful but highly unethical business practices. 

Stepping down from his position at the head of the company, Bezos cited a desire to fulfil the rest of his life’s ambitions such as space travel and creating a miniature clone of himself. However, insiders report that these are only symptoms and side effects of his true ambition which is to defeat his archnemesis, a British playboy by the name of Richard Branson. Branson and Bezos have been involved in a long-running feud dating back to their days at Oxford University where they roomed together. While Bezos achieved remarkable academic excellence, Branson spent his mornings pleasuring his French teacher and eventually winning the heralded Man of the Year award. Since then they have competed in various domains from yacht size, to inventiveness, and more recently in a space race.

Branson, who named his company Virgin, as a tongue-in-cheek reference to his shagadelic lifestyle, recently pulled ahead in the race to space and is expected to take flight on July 11th, a decision that prompted Bezos to cancel his own trip in dismay. Communiques from a mole operating inside Bezos’ secret volcano lair indicate that the bald genius is now seeking to develop a time machine in order to go back to the year 1969 and steal Branson’s virginity. Something he is calling: Hot Tub Time Machine. Meanwhile his clone is undergoing CRISPR gene editing to increase mini-Bezos’ stature and quell his vociferous and awkward sexual appetite. 

Back at Amazon, some claim the anonymous Number 2 is the entire reason for Amazon’s success in the first place. In the coming months he is expected to lead an acquisition of Tiktok which would enable Amazon to market their own customers back to themselves, increasing revenues one hundred fold – something Bezos had always put second to the idea of world domination.

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