Alien Researchers Carefully Monitoring Incoming Administration’s Plan for COVID-19

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Alien researchers from the planet Glip-Glop have confirmed today that they will be continuing to monitor the COVID-19 response efforts of the USA once the Biden administration takes over. 

“You know, we were just packing up to leave the star system when we noticed that the orange man wasn’t in charge anymore,” one of the researchers told us on condition of anonymity. Speaking to us at a secret location somewhere east of the International Date Line, it continued: “It was the most amazing thing – as though he had been ejected, willingly, from the giant porcelain throne of your people! You don’t see that happening with the Five Hiveminds of the Hivemind nebula!” 

The news of President-elect Joe Biden’s win has motivated the researchers to give Earth another chance. “Well, we originally began this expedition to find out whether the people of Terra-Three had what it takes to join the Intergalactic Federation of Planets,” a researcher quipped to me. “After watching a simple infection ravage your population, we thought we were sorely mistaken. With the resolution of this ‘election’ ritual within your tribe, I fear we may have judged your primitive society too soon.” 

The aliens were reticent to answer other pressing questions we had for them, like whether they had landed in Roswell or if they kept in touch with their brethren during extended stays at Area 51 (which is something of a resort for rich and famous alien socialites). When asked if they had told anyone they were coming, or if anyone on earth knew about their mission, they were visibly annoyed. “Yeah, we told one human, while we were researching your religions. He was in a place you call ease-rah-eel? Anyway, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and started talking about us to anyone who would listen – as though people would believe him!” 

As a parting gift, our team put together a couple of common viruses in test tubes for the aliens to carry back home and study before returning to Earth. As their spacecraft lifted off, a distinct crashing could be heard, as well as what we can only assume to be swearing in an alien language.

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