14 year old still confused why people giggle when he explains how his mom gets road head


Innocence has long been a great theme of philosophy and art. While one can find innumerable depictions of innocence and innocence lost it is a subject that never loses its potency. This is the case with fourteen year old, Shane Todd, who seemed finally on the cusp of a remarkable and life changing discovery. For years Shane has had to endure snorts, chortles, giggles, and outright ridicule when describing his mother’s anger induced driving behaviour. Unfortunately for Shane what he thinks is road head is actually road rage.

This has been an issue which has frustrated Shane for years. It first started when, at the age of nine, Shane overheard his older brother describing to his friend how a mutual friend crashed their car while getting road head. Being naive and pre-pubescent it was only natural for Shane to assume that this meant that they had been angry at other drivers, causing them to lose their focus on the road – a symptom frequently exhibited to his mother. From then years of smirks and snorts have followed Shane as he made efforts to describe his mother’s dangerous shortcoming. 

Shane finally decided to confront the problem in recent days. On Thursday, August 6th, Shane recruited his family, various neighbors, and an assemblage of friends and acquaintances to take part in a local news conference where he intended to suss out why people keep laughing at him when he mentions his Mom’s road head.

The conference-cum-trial-cum-investigation started out well when everyone stood for the pledge of allegiance. From there Shane lost control. His opening question “Does anyone think my mother gets road head?” led to an uproar from the audience. Clearly this diminished the already fragile confidence Shane started with. From there it was gaffe after gaffe as each path he took lead to yet another hilarious dead end. Statements such as “Dad, you need to stop giving Mom road head;” “When my Mom gets road head she sometimes gives me road head;” and “I wish there was no such thing as road head,” were among some of the comedic highlights of the afternoon. Despite the overwhelming pomp to the occasion no resolution presented itself, leaving Shane even more dismayed.

Sadly it seems that the attempt to foster Shane’s innocence has grown too long in the tooth for there to be any kind of amicable resolution. Speaking behind his back his Dad says, “we probably should have gently corrected him years ago, but I got to admit – it’s been pretty funny.” His Mom chimed in, “We’re just hoping that one day a kindly passing stranger or librarian will be able to sort him out and he’ll look back on this as just an embarrassing five years of misery.” 

While the pond continues to murk, Shane was in surprisingly high spirits the following day. “While I’m still totally at a loss, this whole episode has given me confidence that I might be a veritable stand-up comic. I still need to study the best but if I can just say road head and get this kind of response imagine how much higher the ceiling is.”

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